DIARY: Ruminations, Occasional thoughts & happenings - as they arise
DIY
Death - 15 May 2006
I
have had an odd couple of weeks. Various friends and relatives have either
died, or been in danger of death, or have had serious illnesses - and I haven't
been feeling too well myself!
So it started me to think of the practicalities of death.
Now don't get me wrong - I detest death, just like I detest suffering -
by anyone - but particularly me! I just don't like it! And I have
spent a lot of time asking the question, "Why does a Good God permit such
suffering?"
It's a big question and it needs an answer, and as far as I
am concerned I have it - think I understand, and it's not an answer that
is easy, or convenient, or just a stopgap. I only believe it because it is
true, in my opinion.
Don't worry! I'm not going to inflict it upon you! You
would need time to think about it yourself - decide if you agree with me.
(But you can have a look here if you
wish.)
But whether we agree or not we have to accept that death
threatens - all the time. We do not know the hour or the day - except that
in my case, at the age of 74, I am certainly nearer my end than my beginning.
And this presents a problem.
If I were to pop off at this moment my two sons
would face difficulties - a number of problems.
First - like myself they are stony broke (one is at
university and the other, age 35, has still not decided what he wants to
do when he grows up - lovely lad, with a fiercely prolific imagination) and if
they suddenly were confronted with the fact that their father had popped his
clogs there would be dire financial repercussions.
The cash that I owe the local Credit Union would be immediately
written off (one of the beauties of the Credit Union movement) and I hope that
when Statements from a couple of Visa Card companies arrived they would simply
return them marked "Whereabouts of Michael O'Shea Unknown" or
"Addressee Does not live here any longer" or "Please Forward c/o
O'Shea Plot,
St. Nicholas' Cemetery, Ardglass"
You think I am joking? No way Jose! My
debts are mine. They are to be met by me - no one else! They
will be paid by me if I am here. If not, they belong to no one else.
Return all claims To Sender!
But of course this is not all. Somebody must
bury me. I can't do it! And even if I could an ordinary funeral would cost
at least £2,000 - which I don't have. Though it would perhaps be less in
my case, as I have a family plot across the road, and would not need a hearse -
just someone to open the grave and carry my remains a couple of hundred
yards. But if it did happen suddenly even a simple coffin - the cheapest -
would cost around £1,000.
No way to that either Jose!
So I have decided to build my own. Just completed the
plans today. Here they are!
HOLD
FIRE ON THIS I have almost completed making my coffin but I
find that 18mm (¾") plywood is much too heavy! It's
definitely a six-man lift (apologies to my friends and relatives!)
Use 12mm (½" ply) if you are going this way! MORE BELOW - when
I manage to get round to it!
- 5 June 2006
YES - The above plan,
using 18mm (¾") plywood, proved to be a bit of a torture - almost
impossible to use. I have almost finished the task, which I will show
below, but I would recommend, if you are going to embark on the manufacture of a
coffin, that you use 12mm (½") ply, which should be easier to cut and
handle and produce a body box of reasonable weight.
This is the plan I think you should follow. It's a little more complicated
in that a 50x25 mm softwood framework would appear to be necessary, to provide
stability and enable the lid to be screwed down, but it should be more manageable
in every respect.
(Some dimensions on the plan below are not accurate - will be replaced ASAP.)
I hope you can read this! If anyone seriously contemplates following my
lead I suggest saving the drawing and printing it in landscape format.
Some people will think I am daft to contemplate construction
of my own coffin. I would suggest this may be caused by a reluctance to
face the fact of death. As I have said above, I don't like it, but it is a
fact of life that all must face, in theory and then through personal experience,
and I am so grateful to God our Father and His most marvellous Son that they
have given me a deep faith in Their love for us, as revealed and expressed
through and in Jesus.
I'm not maudlin about this. I just think Jesus is the best thing since
sliced bread - truly the bread of life, the giver of life, natural and
divine. 'Nuff said?
Make your own arrangements! You could order a flatpack
coffin here - cost £224 delivered Northern Ireland (son Conor and his
friends laughed their legs off at the thought!) You could buy
a DIY coffin plan for $40 US, or use mine for £0, or you can contribute to
the welfare and living standard of a Funeral Undertaker. Most people are
dying to support these guys - obviously very nice people doing a great
job. That's why they charge up to five or six Grand a pop!
These were the stages of creating my own heavyweight coffin - which I do not recommend to anyone. The lighter, 12mm plywood version outlined above would be much better - or if you know how to basket weave something really beautiful could be made, using willow or whatever.
However, back to the
present. I first cut the base to the measurements given.
What a job! A jigsaw skittered all over the place, so I gave up on this, but
even with a power saw it was difficult to cut a straight line. 18mm wood is very
thick and edges tended to be wobbly.
(I discovered at a later stage that this was not too serious. Wood filler
is a great thing!)
I then cut out the head and foot panels and glued and screwed them to the base. I used nails to start off with. Once they were in place I used screws.
The
side panels proved to be the greatest problem.
I realised that bending 18mm ply would be impossible, so I grooved the inside
surface at the point where the bend would take place. The only way I could
do this was to use an angle grinder, with a brick-cutting wheel. Real
woodworkers will have a fit! But though it was primitive it was fairly
effective. I cut grooves about 6mm deep. They wobbled all over the
place. I longed for some sort of circular saw but I reckoned the cost
would be prohibitive.
Fixing
the side panels to the base brought the sweat out, plus an animal ferociousness!
I glued and nailed and screwed the long side of the panel and left it
overnight. I then bent and battered the shorter length into place, at one
stage thinking I would never manage it. Brute strength, a heavy hammer and
3-inch nails brought both surfaces into contact - but cracked the bond and
lifted the wood along the long side. In despair I pumped in more glue and
ferociously hammered all back into place. It worked! My God but I
was exhausted.
It was a repeat performance with the other side panel. Steaming the ply might have helped,
but I had no such facility.
At
the end of the process I had screwed and nailed the side panels to the base at
75mm (3") centres, so the structure should be fairly durable.
Nevertheless, I had a dreadful vision of my poor old body falling through the coffin
floor during the lift to the cemetery, and although this would make a good
story and provide a great laugh over a few drinks I reinforced the joint with a
half-dozen screwed angle irons. I did this with slight regret, for the
thought of a body dropping onto the pathway was a bit hilarious. But I
realised that neither of my sons would be in a fit state to be amused.
That
was it then! Just a few trimming edges to be glued and panel-pinned, a
lick of woodstain and paint, and a few interior fittings and we are away!
I'm doing this at the moment, and pricing silica gel for storage. As soon
as all is finished I shall insert a final picture or two and then get on with
living! Wowee! Do you mean there's life after coffin-making!
Could be!
Below: The first (rushed) picture of the almost complete Box. Handles are 12 mm (½") white rope.
As I have said above I constructed
this coffin using 18mm plywood, creating a total weight of about 50kg (110 lbs).
Far too heavy.
The plywood cost approx £40 plus VAT. (MDF would check in at £26 plus VAT.)
Glue & nails etc. will add to this. As will a cushion to prop the old
head up, and some padding and satin lining for the interior look of the thing.
(Gawd! I hope someone remembers to put my false teeth in - just for the
occasion.) Grave digging will cost another £70. I suppose I better
give the Parish Priest a few quid. A hundred, say? Then there will be
booze and food back at the house - so the total cost of my funeral should be
around £300. Great value!
I can hardly wait for the day. What a Party! I am
definitely going to be there - in Spirit - and that's even more real than a
crumbly old body.
The finished article, with interior lining for the look of the thing, didn't
look too bad. (see below) Even my sons, who weren't too keen on the
thing at all, had to admit that at a pinch it would do the job. My
youngest, Conor, at this point age 24, even helped me to pack it away, silica
gel installed and seal wrapped against fresh, moisture laden air, and then
hoisted up on a shed shelf until needed.
Just before this all hell broke loose!
Well, not hell exactly - publicity hell!
I happened to hear a Radio Ulster discussion on ecopods (green burial) and
rang in to say that I had just made my own coffin.
There was a great deal of laughter and then, to my amazement, news reporters
and TV News crews descended. Double-page spreads in the Daily Mirror, half pages
in the Belfast Telegraph and some of the local papers. If I had wanted the
publicity I could not have generated it! [Look here for example] http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/5171112.stm
and here http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/ni/2006/07/the_diy_coffin_man.html
]
I asked the Daily Mail reporter why such interest. "How many
people do you know who have made their own coffin?" she asked.
"Well ...... none." I had to reply.
"There you are then," she said.
I suppose it must be pretty unique - even if it is logical. I mean, each
of us will need a coffin. There's no getting away from it. Thanks be
to God I believe fully in the resurrection of Jesus and can face the prospect
with equanimity, even delight on occasion; not that I am all that good.
But I
trust Our Lord to overlook some of the shabby things I have done, forgive me
totally - sins moved as far as East is from the West - and bring me into the joy of his divine life. Something to look
forward to!
Now, in the meantime - where is that bottle of cognac, and my fags, so that I can enjoy the great and good things of this life (in enthusiastic moderation)?