Laughter - also see Kidstuff & Kidstuff2
A NUN STORY
A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that here's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well," replies the cabby, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull up!"
He does, in a dark spot, and they climb out of the cab - and the nun wraps herself around him in a long-lasting, voluptous kiss, fulfilling his fantasy.But when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!"29 October 1999
TOM JONES SYNDROME
"Doctor! Doctor!" cried the man, rushing into the surgery.
"What's the matter?" asks the doctor.
"I'm in a terrible bad way. I've got a real problem. Every morning I waken up and I find myself singing "My, My, My Delilah…!"
…. and then on the stroke of midday I automatically change over and start to sing "The Green, Green Fields of Home"! ……
……And I go on singing it all afternoon! Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me?"
"You have something called 'Tom Jones Syndrome'."
"Is it serious? Is it serious?"
"No! "It's Not Unusual"!
THE PUZZLE
A woman calls her best friend one day and she is very upset.
"I can't get this jigsaw puzzle put together and I've been trying for weeks, she cried. "Can you please come over and help me before I go crazy?"
"What kind of puzzle is it?" asks the friend.
The panicked woman says, "Well, there's a rooster on the box. But there's so many pieces and it's so confusing, I just don't know where to start!"
Her friend is the compassionate sort and says, "I'll be right over."
Off to the friend's house she goes. When she gets there, she takes one look at the table, turns to her friend and says:
"Put the cornflakes back in the box."
MEMORY
Three older ladies are sitting round the
kitchen table drinking tea.
One says, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of
the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
sandwich."
The second lady chimes in, "I'm just like that! I
sometimes I find myself standing on
the stairs and can't remember whether I am on the way up or on the
way down."
The third lady says, " Thanks be to God I don't have problems like
that -
touch wood!" She raps her knuckles on the table... and then says,
"Excuse me for a moment. I
must see who is knocking on the door!"
(19
Oct. 1999)
I get a Daily Joke from a friend in Belgium. I quite like this one:
Don't Lie To Your Mother
===========================================
John's Mother was visiting the city so he invited her to his apartment for dinner.
During the meal, his mother could not help but reflect once more how beautiful John's
flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between
them.
Watching the two interact, she wondered once more about it.
Reading her thoughts, John said quietly to her, "I know what you are thinking
Mum, but I assure you, Julie and I are just good friends."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner I haven't been able to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "I
doubt it, but I'll mention it to her."
Next time he was writing home he said: "By the way, Mum, I am missing an
old silver gravy ladle. Did you by any chance take it - by mistake? I'm not saying
that you 'did' take it or 'did not' take it - but the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner!"
Several days later, John received a reply:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her
own bed she would have found the silver gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum"
His son asked, "What
happened to the flea?"
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
MICK: "TREE FELLERS
WANTED."
PAT: "Pity t'ers only t' two of
us!"
MALACHY SHARVIN (from Ballyhornan) meditating over a bottle of stout in the Chapeltown Bar, Dunsford, : " My wife's suffering from delusions. She thinks I'm her husband!"
Got any really good'ns? tell me